


I just want you to know who I am

by isloremipsumafterall



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27595331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isloremipsumafterall/pseuds/isloremipsumafterall
Summary: No one is adjusting well, Joann can see that everything's taking it's toll on Keyla and tries to reach out.orfive times Keyla isn't doing well on the cusp of panicking and Joann talks her out of it and the one time Joann isn't doing well.
Relationships: Keyla Detmer/Joann Owosekun
Comments: 6
Kudos: 72





	I just want you to know who I am

**One**

The thing was Joann spent too much time looking over to her left.

When she was navigating she was focused on her screens for certain, but in those calm moments – or even sometimes the dangerous ones- it was hard not to look over where Keyla is sitting.

When they first met Joann could tell Keyla was going through some things, the new implants were bothering her and she had a haunted look in her eyes whenever she saw Saru but as time went on Keyla relaxed and laughed alongside her.

There was a joy in her that made Joann smile.

Only it was clear in the last few weeks Keyla was under the strain that all the crew was and it was getting to her.

“Hey.” Joann said, her voice soft enough that the rest of the bridge couldn’t hear them.

Keyla’s hand was shaking and her gaze looked lost.

“Hey.” Joann repeated until Keyla slowly turned her way.

The distance between their stations was too huge to reach out like she wanted to.

“We’re all-” The words jammed in her throat because they weren’t okay, not really. “We’re all here.” She settled on, hoping Keyla would understand. “I’m here.” She said because she needed Keyla to know that.

Keyla took a stuttering breath and then nodded; she turned her face back to her screen and at least looked more alert than she had a moment ago.

Her hand had also stopped shaking.

Joann wondered how long that would last.

**Two**

They were collapsed on Keyla’s bed, laughing at the antics in the mess hall they’d just left. Rhys had been impersonating Linus and Tilly had tried to join in but couldn’t manage it right at all.

“Good thing we left or we might have seen them trying to do us too.” Joann managed to get out between her laughter.

Keyla froze next to her, laughter cutting out completely.

“Keyla?” Joann asked, reaching over to rest her hand on Keyla’s shoulder.

The faraway look in Keyla’s eyes was back, making a shiver run down Joann’s spine.

She curled her fingers around Keyla’s shoulder, clutching her hard, trying to bring Keyla back.

Keyla’s breathing picked up pace and seemed short; a worrying sign.

“Talk to me.” Joann begged, all logic flying out the window in the face of Keyla’s panic.

Keyla’s voice was small when she finally answered. “Do you think there’s anything left of us to even imitate.” Her shoulders hunched in on themselves. “There isn’t anything left of us in the past.”

Joann let go of Keyla’s shoulders to wrap her arm around her instead and bumped her forehead against Keyla’s own. “There’s us now; it’s not much but we’ll have to take it.”

Keyla’s smile was weak but at least it was there.

Joann stayed the night.

**Three**

“-shields at seventy percent.” Rhys announced loudly to the bridge.

Joann straightened herself up and tapped wildly at her screens. “They’re about to fire again.” She yelled out, frowning at her screen as it flashed in front of her.

The Andorian ship that was chasing them wasn’t in the best shape but neither was Discovery.

“Evasive maneuvers.” Saru ordered.

From the corner of her eyes Joann could just see Keyla’s fingers dancing across her own screen before they faltered.

“Lieutenant Detmer!” Saru called out again.

“I’m on it.” Keyla said but her voice didn’t have near the amount of confidence it should have.

She was too far away and for all Joann loved the Discovery she was suddenly envious of those newer ships she had seen that had operation stations closer together.

She turned her head slightly and caught Keyla’s eyes and nodded at her.

‘You’ve got this.’ She mouthed, knowing Keyla would catch on.

Keyla swallowed and jerked her head back to her screen and without any other hesitation she continued on her course.

It took them only two more minutes before Keyla had gotten them far enough out of range to safely engage the spore drive.

Joann breathed a sigh of relief and turned to congratulate Keyla but saw her slumped over her console.

“Lieutenant Detmer?” Saru asked, this time concerned.

Joann nearly jumped she stood up so fast, “Permission to escort Lieutenant Detmer to sickbay.” She was already walking over even as Saru granted it to her.

She placed a hand on Keyla’s elbow and kept it there as she practically dragged her off the bridge. Rather than head straight to sickbay however she pulled them into a corridor no one was in and tried to catch Keyla’s eyes.

“Too close.” Keyla murmured and was running a hand through her hair. “It was too close.”

Joann caught her hands and pulled them towards her instead. “I know.” She said.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” Keyla’s gaze shot up to her, her eyes wide.

“I know.” Joann repeated, feeling a little defeated. “But I also know you can.”

“How?” Keyla asked, her voice angry and she tried to pull away.

“Because I know you.” Joann closed her eyes briefly and then met Keyla’s anger with a calm she wasn’t quite certain reflected the storm inside herself just then. “And this will take time but you can do this.”

Keyla froze and then leaned in against Joann, her head resting on Joann’s shoulder. Joann let go of her hands and pulled in for a hug instead.

“I hate this.” Keyla said, her voice muffled by Joann’s shoulder.

“This particular corridor? I can’t blame you; Starfleet was never good at decorations.” Joann said idly, trying to break the tension.

It was worth it when she heard Keyla snort in trying to contain a laugh and nudged Joann lightly with her head.

“They should make our stations closer while they’re out here fixing things.” Keyla pulled back, her eyes a little wet.

“We’ll put in a requisition.” Joann agreed and rubbed her thumb against Keyla’s cheek. “Come on.” She offered Keyla her hand, “Let’s get to sickbay before they send someone looking for us.”

Keyla took it and followed along.

**Four**

The gym wasn’t packed when they arrived. Michael and a grumpy morning Tilly whom she’d cleared dragged out with her were in the room but it was empty otherwise.

They both waved to them and set about to their own corner of the room, exchanging an amused glance when Michael told Tilly to keep it up and she let out an exhausted groan.

“Five credits says Tilly escapes in the next ten minutes.” Joann whispered to Keyla.

“Ten says Burnham stops her.” Keyla whispered back.

Joann coughed so she wouldn’t laugh and give them away to Michael.

They suited up with boxing gloves and stepped onto the mat, taking their positions.

Keyla jabbed at her and Joann dodged out of the way.

This early they were telegraphing their moves too much but it was a warm up more than anything else.

They’d both found themselves early risers and established the routine months ago to meet before breakfast. Some days they weren’t so lucky and others had gotten the same idea too. The first month they’d arrived in the future the gym had been a popular place to work off some energy, that seemed to taper off which Joann couldn’t decide was a good thing or not yet.

They danced around the ring that didn’t exist except in their heads, jabbing here and there at each other lazily.

Keyla had broken out into a light sweat, the beads sliding down her neck and distracting Joann bad enough she forgot to dodge.

She yelped as she was hit and stumbled on her feet, tripping over them and falling down with a laugh at herself.

“Guess I better pay closer attention.” She said ruefully and glanced up at Keyla.

Keyla had ripped her gloves off and dropped her hands to her side, her eyes wide with worry.

“Joann-” She choked out and knelt down. “You’re okay right?”

Joann blinked in surprise. “I’m fine.”

Keyla sucked in a breath and pulled back a little, wrapping her arms around her stomach.

“Keyla.” Joann tugged her own gloves off with a bit of a struggle and then scooted closer, “I’m fine.” She gave Keyla a soft smile and reached out to flick her. “See, I’m here.”

Keyla gave a brittle laugh, “Yeah, you’re here.”

“Want to talk about it?” Joann offered, now resting against Keyla, her leg pressed against Keyla’s own.

“Just…” Keyla looked tired suddenly, that faraway look back. “Sometimes I dream you’re not.”

Her hands were shaking again and Joann had to take her own breath to stop hers from as well.

“I’m here.” She said again, reaching over to squeeze Keyla’s hand.

“For now.” Keyla said and sounded far too miserable.

“For as long as I can be.” Joann replied because that was all she could promise and Keyla knew it.

It took her a moment to realize they were mercifully alone in the room.

“Looks like you owe me five credits.”

Keyla groaned. “Burnham’s getting slow.”

Neither of them was quick to stand up or said a word about it.

**Five**

Joann rounded the corner, Nilsson next to her. They’d just finished their shift and normally Keyla would be with them but Keyla had bolted as soon as her relief had arrived.

Joann was tempted to search her down but Nilsson had caught up to her and she didn’t want to point out Keyla’s quick getaway if Keyla didn’t want her to.

Except she stopped as they reached a hallway and Kayla was there, her hands pressed against the wall and her hair covering her face from view.

“Detmer?” Nilsson asked.

“It’s okay, I’ve got this.” Joann said and pushed Nilsson lightly to move on. “I’ll catch up later.”

Nilsson hesitated as glanced between the two of them. “If you need anything let me know.” She finally said and walked away, glancing back with worry.

Joann approached Keyla slowly.

“Keyla?” She asked, knowing that Keyla couldn’t see her with her head bowed as it was.

“I’m fine.” Keyla said, her voice controlled and sounding all wrong.

Joann tilted her head, wondering if it was better to call that lie out or leave it be.

Before she could however Keyla looked over, her eyes bright as she blinked and Joann could tell it was to hold back tears. Her hands curled into fists against the wall and she screwed her eyes shut. The next time she opened them Joann was chilled to see how expressionless they were.

“I’m fine.” Keyla said again. “I’ve got to go.”

“Go where?” Joann asked, “We’re off duty.”

“We are?” Keyla blinked and shook her head. “That’s not…there’s always something we need to do.”

“I think right now we need to rest.” Joann said and took Keyla’s hand to lead her down the hallway to Keyla’s room. Keyla’s fingers felt horribly cold against her own and her gaze wouldn’t focus at all.

Joann pushed her towards the bed and Keyla sat down on it without a word.

“Keyla,” Joann began and sat down next to her. “You don’t have to do anything right now.” She said again, “Someone else has the ships controls. You’re not in charge of our lives right now.”

“But I will be again.” Keyla said dully, it was just a fact to her.

“You will be.” Joann agreed. “And you’ll do it because you are the best pilot we have. The best pilot I know. The best pilot I want at that station next to me.”

Keyla slumped down.

“Do you need me to call Culber?” Joann asked softly, she reached up to push Keyla’s hair out of her face, trying to see Keyla’s reaction.

“Not…not just yet.” Keyla admitted. “I’ll talk to him again soon.”

Joann nodded, “Did I ever tell you how we used to make clothes?”

Keyla snorted, “In your technology-less village?”

“It wasn’t a village.” Joann shot back, an old argument that Keyla always teased her about and she was pleased to see Keyla laugh again.

“Tell me about it.” Keyla said, leaning in against Joann.

So Joann talked until she couldn’t.

**\+ One**

Joann had never been to Bajor – she’d never even heard of Bajor – until Saru agreed the crew could use some shore leave while they discussed the wormhole with the Bajorans.

The spore drive had malfunctioned being so close to it while it opened so they were for a time stuck anyway while Stamets looked into it.

“You know some of this reminds me of home.” Joann said as she took in the small community they’d landed in.

Keyla raised an eyebrow. “Seems like they use technology here.”

Joann bumped her shoulder against Keyla in mock anger. “We used some in my community.”

“Some.” Keyla teased the word, snickering when Joann shot her a look.

“There’s a reason I left.” Joann said, “But I miss parts of it. The closeness.”

Keyla’s fingers brushed against her.

For a brief moment Joann was overwhelmed by the sudden loneliness. She hadn’t seen her parents in years even before she boarded Discovery.

She hadn’t seen her community in even longer.

She’d looked it up when they were on earth, it was long gone. Just a footnote on a page of earth history, not even a single name of her family recorded, wiped away just like Joann herself had been.

Her vision suddenly felt fuzzy, the edges darker.

“Joann?” She heard a voice say nearby and she knew that voice but didn’t respond.

She could numbly feel someone taking her hand and leading her elsewhere but she didn’t know where.

“Joann, listen to me.” The voice said again and this time something was pressed against her. “Just breathe when I do.”

It was hard but she followed the rhythm, slowly returning to herself.

She blinked and realized Keyla had surrounded her in a hug, pulling them into an alcove in the village.

“We’re okay.” Keyla was saying.

“Are we?” Joann asked instinctively.

Keyla pulled away, startled at her answering. She looked at Joann and then smiled.

“Well maybe we’ll get there.” Keyla leaned in to press her forehead against Joann’s. “Together that is.”

Joann smiled slowly, it was easy then to close the gap between them, press her lips against Keyla’s and know she wasn’t alone.

Keyla took a sharp breath and then kissed her back, a hand resting on Joann’s cheek.

“Oh my god, it took you both long enough. Michael I found them!” Tilly’s voice broke their concentration and they jumped.

Joann looked up guiltily to see Tilly standing there grinning at them.

“Oh wait,” Tilly lost her grin. “Oh no I’m interrupting, I didn’t mean to, you two can uhhh get back to your…date? It’s a date right?” She dropped her voice to a whisper or at least Tilly’s version of one.

Joann glanced over at Keyla who broke out into laughter.

“Yes, so….” Joann nodded her head behind Tilly. “Do you mind? We’ll catch up to you.”

Tilly gave them a thumbs up and giggled as she walked away.

“Try that again?” Keyla offered as she stopped laughing.

“Maybe let’s find some more privacy first.” She was still slightly rattled from everything that had just happened.

Keyla’s eyes softened as she nodded.

“Ready to go out there?” Keyla asked, her hand catching Joann’s.

“Yeah.” Joann took a deep a breath and straightened her shoulders. “Let’s see what else they can throw at us.”


End file.
